I'm not responding as someone who simply appreciated your article because it's timely or relevant.
I'm responding as a woman in her seventies who was part of the first wave of work in the late 1970s to confront domestic violence head-on, and who spent ten years working in a battered women's shelter.
I'm responding as the young woman whose husband beat her, choked her unconscious, dislocated her jaw, and left her to raise her children alone, in hiding, trying to survive.
I'm responding as the young woman who sought help from an attorney, only to discover he was more interested in taking me to dinner and telling me how pretty I was—bruises and all.
I'm responding as the little girl who was called to her father's bed far too often.
I'm responding as the girl whose friend's father tried to force his tongue into her mouth.
I'm responding as the young woman whose boss told her to follow him to a "meeting" in his car.
And I am not unique.
I carry these stories, but I also carry the stories of countless women who have whispered, confessed, and finally found the courage to say, "Me too."
For decades we were told to stay quiet. To be polite. To get over it. To move on. To stop making people uncomfortable.
The truth is, some wounds never completely heal.
I still don't fully trust men. I still don't always feel safe in this world. I still carry damage that no apology, no court ruling, no passage of time has ever erased.
So when I read your words, I cried.
Not because they fixed anything. Not because they erased what happened.
But because, for a brief moment, I felt seen.
For a brief moment, I felt less alone.
For a brief moment, there was hope, and comfort, and the possibility that maybe someone finally understood.
In a country where there is talk of no longer allowing women to vote, always ‘submitting’ to their men, and most painful of all, where a more qualified woman cannot win the vote over a vile, less qualified man, it gives me hope for my daughter that maybe someday men will see the light. Thank you for a great article, Qasim. The women in your life are very lucky indeed.
A thousand thanks would not begin to be enough for this article which 1) stated the facts and 2) offered solutions. Giving daughters pepper spray without teaching sons how to behave is not adequate.
Some 2200 women are killed each year by a spouse or partner (roughly 6 PER DAY), but the only headlines you see are about the rare woman who kills, or even plans to kill, a spouse (very rare if it's not self-defense). Only the luckiest and most sheltered of women don't understand that this article is spot on. The number of women I personally know who have experienced domestic violence or rape is staggering. Starting at age 13 when I babysat for 2 children of a family from my church. It took over a decade for the church family (& it was a lovely wonderful church) to realized that the wife's constant stream of injuries (eg; broken arms and bruised face) were caused by her husband. I am quite old now and this was long ago, but even still people don't "see" and don't want to know. Two of my friends are lucky to be alive. They are well-to-do women and in these particular cases it was strangers (both white, non-immigrant men, one well-dressed in a nice suit). But spousal abuse and non-stranger rape is more common in my first-hand knowledge (eg; uncle rape, date rape, etc). I am a survivor of both domestic abuse (I was very lucky to have the resources to get out quickly) and date-rape when I was much younger. I never, never reported or spoke of either for decades. It would have hurt only me, not the men. Of course, that was before "date-rape" was even a term or recognized as even a possibility by law enforcement (I myself didn't realize it should be considered illegal at the time - I knew it was "my fault" for being with the guy). It's interesting to note that there are a couple of fairly outraged comments by men - not women.
I am impressed with the clarity and thoroughness of this writing. Thank you for being a leader who speaks the truth about what is obvious to many of us.
Yes, you were very lucky. This is how it should be for all of us, men and women as equals, supportive of each other. I often wonder what life would be like to have had such supportive parents. Life can be very hard on those who don’t grow up in a home with parents like yours.
Whoa. Obviously I knew it was bad, but this is an incredible analysis. Also love your ideas on how to fix. Hadn’t heard of most of them other than all girl schools.
Applause. Brilliantly said and I agree completely. 73 years of being a white woman born into a middle class family, college educated in a man’s profession, working in men’s jobs my entire career and living in many places in NA and Europe, as well as traveling…I completely identify with this essay. I have been abused by a stranger on an airplane when I was 12 and bullied by male peers in schools. My dad taught me to stand up for myself, work hard, be strong, shoot guns, play golf, understand popular sports and be picky in my friendships and relationships. Mom was very supportive, too, as she was allowed to attend college until it was time for her younger brother to attend. ☹️ Mom was a brilliant woman and wanted to be a nurse, attending Mary Washington. Everything she taught me was targeted to my having marketable skills and not relying on someone else. I was a lucky child. Amended to add that I am married to my high school sweetheart and we are celebrating our 51st anniversary this weekend. We both found the perfect person in high school chemistry.
Women have always been told that it’s our responsibility to not get assaulted, raped, or killed. We must dress conservatively (most fashions are not designed for women, they’re designed to make women more appealing to men). We are told where to park safely, what deterrents to carry in our purses (bear spray, mace). It is time to start educating men and put the fear into them about consequences just as we are fearing walking through an empty parking lot in the dark. This issue is not our fault, it is the fault of generations of parents who didn’t teach their sons how to behave, and the media, courts, religious institutions, and schools. We are done with being victims.
Thank you for your work on behalf of abused women and for this post. I agree with you. I believe the one out of three women being sexually assaulted before the age of 16 is pretty accurate but it could be higher. So few young women are willing to report. It is understandable when so little is done for victims and survivors, as seen with the Epstein Files. A sexual predator can rape many many women over his lifetime if not stopped. But when the USA allows a pedophile rapist to remain in the White House and the Republicans protect the convicted felon from impeachment and the Supreme Court makes the rapist in Chief immune from prosecution, then the entire system needs an overhaul.
Great article. In the US peripartum women face up to a 37% increased risk of homicide. It is the leading cause of maternal death, yet is not included in maternal morality statistics. Most cases involve firearms.
Best case EVER for MATRIARCHY!! 🇨🇦
I'm not responding as someone who simply appreciated your article because it's timely or relevant.
I'm responding as a woman in her seventies who was part of the first wave of work in the late 1970s to confront domestic violence head-on, and who spent ten years working in a battered women's shelter.
I'm responding as the young woman whose husband beat her, choked her unconscious, dislocated her jaw, and left her to raise her children alone, in hiding, trying to survive.
I'm responding as the young woman who sought help from an attorney, only to discover he was more interested in taking me to dinner and telling me how pretty I was—bruises and all.
I'm responding as the little girl who was called to her father's bed far too often.
I'm responding as the girl whose friend's father tried to force his tongue into her mouth.
I'm responding as the young woman whose boss told her to follow him to a "meeting" in his car.
And I am not unique.
I carry these stories, but I also carry the stories of countless women who have whispered, confessed, and finally found the courage to say, "Me too."
For decades we were told to stay quiet. To be polite. To get over it. To move on. To stop making people uncomfortable.
The truth is, some wounds never completely heal.
I still don't fully trust men. I still don't always feel safe in this world. I still carry damage that no apology, no court ruling, no passage of time has ever erased.
So when I read your words, I cried.
Not because they fixed anything. Not because they erased what happened.
But because, for a brief moment, I felt seen.
For a brief moment, I felt less alone.
For a brief moment, there was hope, and comfort, and the possibility that maybe someone finally understood.
And for that, I thank you.
In a country where there is talk of no longer allowing women to vote, always ‘submitting’ to their men, and most painful of all, where a more qualified woman cannot win the vote over a vile, less qualified man, it gives me hope for my daughter that maybe someday men will see the light. Thank you for a great article, Qasim. The women in your life are very lucky indeed.
Thank you.
A thousand thanks would not begin to be enough for this article which 1) stated the facts and 2) offered solutions. Giving daughters pepper spray without teaching sons how to behave is not adequate.
Some 2200 women are killed each year by a spouse or partner (roughly 6 PER DAY), but the only headlines you see are about the rare woman who kills, or even plans to kill, a spouse (very rare if it's not self-defense). Only the luckiest and most sheltered of women don't understand that this article is spot on. The number of women I personally know who have experienced domestic violence or rape is staggering. Starting at age 13 when I babysat for 2 children of a family from my church. It took over a decade for the church family (& it was a lovely wonderful church) to realized that the wife's constant stream of injuries (eg; broken arms and bruised face) were caused by her husband. I am quite old now and this was long ago, but even still people don't "see" and don't want to know. Two of my friends are lucky to be alive. They are well-to-do women and in these particular cases it was strangers (both white, non-immigrant men, one well-dressed in a nice suit). But spousal abuse and non-stranger rape is more common in my first-hand knowledge (eg; uncle rape, date rape, etc). I am a survivor of both domestic abuse (I was very lucky to have the resources to get out quickly) and date-rape when I was much younger. I never, never reported or spoke of either for decades. It would have hurt only me, not the men. Of course, that was before "date-rape" was even a term or recognized as even a possibility by law enforcement (I myself didn't realize it should be considered illegal at the time - I knew it was "my fault" for being with the guy). It's interesting to note that there are a couple of fairly outraged comments by men - not women.
I am impressed with the clarity and thoroughness of this writing. Thank you for being a leader who speaks the truth about what is obvious to many of us.
Yes, you were very lucky. This is how it should be for all of us, men and women as equals, supportive of each other. I often wonder what life would be like to have had such supportive parents. Life can be very hard on those who don’t grow up in a home with parents like yours.
Whoa. Obviously I knew it was bad, but this is an incredible analysis. Also love your ideas on how to fix. Hadn’t heard of most of them other than all girl schools.
Truthful words.
MEN! Fix your own side of the street. That's always where the problem has been.
Great article Qasim.
Thank you.
Applause. Brilliantly said and I agree completely. 73 years of being a white woman born into a middle class family, college educated in a man’s profession, working in men’s jobs my entire career and living in many places in NA and Europe, as well as traveling…I completely identify with this essay. I have been abused by a stranger on an airplane when I was 12 and bullied by male peers in schools. My dad taught me to stand up for myself, work hard, be strong, shoot guns, play golf, understand popular sports and be picky in my friendships and relationships. Mom was very supportive, too, as she was allowed to attend college until it was time for her younger brother to attend. ☹️ Mom was a brilliant woman and wanted to be a nurse, attending Mary Washington. Everything she taught me was targeted to my having marketable skills and not relying on someone else. I was a lucky child. Amended to add that I am married to my high school sweetheart and we are celebrating our 51st anniversary this weekend. We both found the perfect person in high school chemistry.
Women have always been told that it’s our responsibility to not get assaulted, raped, or killed. We must dress conservatively (most fashions are not designed for women, they’re designed to make women more appealing to men). We are told where to park safely, what deterrents to carry in our purses (bear spray, mace). It is time to start educating men and put the fear into them about consequences just as we are fearing walking through an empty parking lot in the dark. This issue is not our fault, it is the fault of generations of parents who didn’t teach their sons how to behave, and the media, courts, religious institutions, and schools. We are done with being victims.
Thank you for your work on behalf of abused women and for this post. I agree with you. I believe the one out of three women being sexually assaulted before the age of 16 is pretty accurate but it could be higher. So few young women are willing to report. It is understandable when so little is done for victims and survivors, as seen with the Epstein Files. A sexual predator can rape many many women over his lifetime if not stopped. But when the USA allows a pedophile rapist to remain in the White House and the Republicans protect the convicted felon from impeachment and the Supreme Court makes the rapist in Chief immune from prosecution, then the entire system needs an overhaul.
It’s why we chose the bear
Great article. In the US peripartum women face up to a 37% increased risk of homicide. It is the leading cause of maternal death, yet is not included in maternal morality statistics. Most cases involve firearms.